Short Term Goals

I spoke with both of my doctors, both neuro oncologists, one from Roswell and one from Columbia. They both feel that the tumor is stable and has not grown. They both are still thinking at this time that the tumor is a subependymoma but if it is not a subependymoma then the doctor from Columbia is leaning towards an ependymoma.

This is good news. Sort of.

It is good news today. It means that the tumor is acting as they have suspected it would, changing very minimally and not growing.Scans from May and December, no growth.

It does not mean forever. I don’t know why I expect a forever answer. It’s completely unrealistic. No one can say what will happen in 2 years, 5 years, 9 years, and yet that’s what I want. I want them to tell me that I will be fine forever and frankly, that’s absurd. I’m trying to invoke my “wise mind” but she is struggling to engage. She is stuck in emotion brain. She is very unhappy with me because I had to wean her off the medication that she was happy on. My brain was happy, my heart was not.

Sadly I had a very rare side effect (as the insert tells me) of developing an irregular heartbeat on the anti anxiety medication I was taking. I have weaned off of that one and started a new one but it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.

I’m annoyed with myself for needing meds and not being able to logic my way out of this sensation. The numbness and tingling in my face, my face muscles twitching like crazy, feeling overwhelmed by the slightest tasks.

Rationally I know this is normal, that I am under a lot of stress. Emotionally I’m disappointed that I can’t deploy my plethora of coping techniques and just get it together.

I think I need some short term goals, things to get me through the next six months. I can’t look too far out because my mind won’t allow me that yet. So far my list includes walking daily, journal 3x a week, eat good bread and drink delicious tea, and pet the dogs as often as possible. Perhaps occasionally clean something…

I know I am not an anomaly. I know that everyone out there is struggling (especially right now) with their own endeavors. I am just trying to continually learn about my own strengths and weaknesses. This path is certainly helping me to see both.

Peace and Love 💕