Addict

Hello, my name is Amy and I am a sugar addict.

I’m not your average person who enjoys treats once in a while. I am the addict type who can never get enough. Who will literally eat sugar until they feel sick and then do it again the next day.

I don’t remember when I became an addict but I do know that by the time I was in high school I always had bags of candy in my locker and backpack.

When I travel anywhere I always pack candy with me, you know just in case where ever I am going is a dry county, lol.

I have tried many times to give sugar up for good. I’ve done cleanses and various diets and I always fail. It never sticks. I always find a way to justify my behavior and why I have gone back to consuming that white crap again and again.

Working at a hospital with a Tim Hortons in the lobby has been the kiss of death for me. I stand in line every day that I am at work and say to myself “Don’t order a doughnut, and for the love of god don’t even think of uttering the words ice capp, Amy it’s a chemical shit storm of garbage, don’t do it”.

And then I get to the front of the line and promptly order an ice capp and promise myself that it’s the last time, ever.

I know I have a problem and yet I am powerless to do anything about it. I have tried to shame myself and my inner voice sounds something like this “Amy, do you have to get cancer in order to make better choices for yourself”?

Then I got my brain tumor diagnosis, and I still didn’t stop eating sugar. You know why? Because I am an addict .

My friend went to hypnosis for an issue that she was having and I thought that might be a good idea for me, but not yet. To be frank I had more candy I needed to eat before doing that.

I didn’t even realize how bad my addiction was until I was with a patient one day. This particular patient has an alcohol addiction and is currently sober but had a slip up. They were at a friends house and they stole a bottle of alcohol from their friend. It was October and as my patient was talking I was thinking about the types of candy that were out for Halloween. I started daydreaming about candy corn. I was imagining myself at a friends house who had a candy dish with them sitting out and how I would totally grab a handful and put them in my pocket (even if I was supposed to be on the no candy wagon).

Candy corn guys! It’s like a cross between sweet crayons and sugary candles. Blah…

On the drive home I stopped at the store and bought a bag of candy corn and ate the entire thing before I got home. Of course I wanted to vomit because no one should eat one sweet crayon let alone an entire bag of them.

And that my friends was my AHA moment.

I called the hypnotist the next day. “PLEASE help me” I pleaded with her, “Can you fix me?”

Fix me she did! She was exactly what you would imagine. Flowing clothes, chanty music, dim lights. I guess that sounds a lot like my office now that I think about it. Anyway, she walked me down a staircase while I was floating in a bubble into a deep relaxation, and legit cured me. Since I have left her office I have not eaten a single piece of candy, doughnut, ice Capp, or ginger beer (that was another sinful daily delight of mine). I even drink my tea every morning with no sugar in it!

Shortly after I went to hypnosis I wandered through the house and collected all my York peppermint patties (they are my absolute favorite) and put them all in a bag. Today I dumped them out to see if I could be tempted.

I wasn’t. Not even a little bit.

I’m still not parting with them. I’m hanging onto them for a bad day. The honest to goodness truth is that I’ve had a few really bad days since giving them up and I still haven’t caved and gone back, I really don’t want them anymore. The feeling that sugar controlled me is gone, even if I did have ONE, I feel like I could eat just that one and then get back on the no sugar train the next day. It wouldn’t feel like I had slipped up and now it wasn’t worth it to stay on track. It’s a completely different frame of mind.

I have a scan this week. That’s reason enough for me to eat sugar like crazy, but I’m not. I’m behaving. I’m being kind to myself and instead of shaming myself my inner voice now says “Amy that was the old you, the new you doesn’t need that stuff in her body, you take good care of yourself now”. It’s kinder, more gentle and also true.

This scan is a big one. If this tumor is in fact a subependymoma then it wouldn’t have shown growth yet because it takes a year or longer to show up on an MRI. If it is a subependymoma it is also possible that it will not grow any more, ever. That’s confusing huh? If the tumor has grown it’s also possible that it’s not a subependymoma but in fact another type, one of the differential diagnosis’s that have been mentioned before. So I will keep my fingers crossed that this stupid thing is stable and has not grown.

Peace and Love 💕